December 5th, 2007
The Christmas Ape writes his own script for a saccharine Christmas jewelry store commercial. Here’s a taste:
[Tinkling overlay of Vanessa Carlton’s “A Thousand Miles”]
[Scene one]
Tony Romo sits in front of a vanity mirror in a room dimly lit by candles. He’s wearing an elf’s hat. He smiles faintly but with determination. His mind seems distant. He turns to a small TV to his right, sees Peter King reporting from Minnesota. Suddenly wistful, his smile fades to nothing.
Behind Romo, a closet door silently glides open.
“But how, you were — “
King reveals a small jewelry box, sweeping it over Romo’s shoulders to his face. He opens it slowly.
“It’s for your cock,” King whispers sweetly.
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