So funny:

Christina Aguilera gave an interview in the latest issue of Us Weekly in which she revealed that her hooters are a whopping size E-cup. Now I’ve seen the photos of old Funbags Molloy recently, and hearing those puppies are a size “E” shouldn’t surprise me–yet strangely it does, in the same way you’d look at a Aston Martin and know it’s expensive but still be taken aback at the price tag.

For me, the grief is still too near.

As Rob Stein reports in today’s Washington Post, “Contrary to widespread belief, teenagers do not appear to commonly engage in oral sex as a way to preserve their virginity, according to the first study to examine the question nationally. The analysis of a federal survey of more than 2,200 males and females aged 15 to 19, released yesterday, found that more than half reported having had oral sex. But those who described themselves as virgins were far less likely to say they had tried it than those who had had intercourse.” (Go on, have a glass of water.) As the study shows, “teens tend to become sexually active in many ways at about the same time. For example, although only one in four teenage virgins had engaged in oral sex, within six months after their first intercourse more than four out of five adolescents reported having oral sex.” (Feel free to cross your legs.) And there’s more: “This study . . . invalidates the suggestion that ‘technical virgins’ account for the rise in oral and anal sex,” said Valerie Huber, executive director of the National Abstinence Education Association. “Sexually experienced teens were almost four times more likely to engage in oral sex and 20 times more likely to engage in anal sex than their peers who were virgins.” Indeed, “More than half of our teens are having sex–vaginal and oral,” said James Wagoner, president of the group Advocates for Youth…. “We have these images of oral sex parties” (Need to use the bathroom, huh?)

Well, the rest of the article is fairly predictable, blah, blah, blah. Okay, back to work now.

I’m prepared for George Lucas to continue his serial raping of my childhood this weekend. In fact, I’m already compiling a short list of other franchises he can defile. Maybe Starblazers? Or Mr. Rogers?

But maybe it won’t be that bad. AICN’s Massawyrm generally loves Kingdom of the Crystal Skull, although this kind of excuse-making faint praise sets off alarm bells for me:

As many have already said, Ford actually feels like he gives a shit again and turns in a great performance as the tired, old Archeologist turned war hero turned tenured professor always ready for another jaunt. Everyone else pulls their weight and does a great job despite their character’s general lack of depth. If there’s anyone here who has a thankless job, it is Shia who – coupled with Lucas’s “Oh I haven’t told Steve or Harrison yet but I might as well tell the press” bullshit – is having a ton of weight dumped on his shoulders. He’s fucking great in this, and much like many of his other projects proves once again to be one of the very best things about it. But he’s no Indiana Jones. That’s not his destiny. He’s an incredibly talented kid who is just one of us. And when I say one of us, I don’t mean one of the AICN crew. I mean one of US. You and me. Dork. Geek. Filmlover. Just another kid looking for a time machine.

And when you’re a 21-year-old kid asked by George Lucas and Steven fucking Spielberg to be in an Indiana Jones movie – you fucking do it. And when they say “Here kid, hold his hat for a second and look longingly off camera as if to intimate a possible sequel” – you fucking do it. But, man. Is he ever going to get eviscerated for fucking doing it.

Also, Massawyrm says that the new installment isn’t Raiders but is every bit the equal of the other two Indian Jones movies. Umm, has anyone here seen Temple of Doom lately? It makes Return of the Jedi look like cinematic poetry. In fact, in a lot of ways it’s a reprise of Jedi–or at least an extended re-enactment of the Endor and Ewok sequences.

Spencer Ackerman has written a very smart piece on the anti-imperialism of the Iron Man comic books:

For years, Iron Man’s lesson was just that simple: Stark’s keen technological mind represented the secret of American vitality; Iron Man’s contribution to the nation’s defense was an obligation that his gifts bestowed. America, under this Cold War logic, is powerful because America is inquisitive because America is free because America is good. Doesn’t America have the right to defend itself? And shouldn’t America use its endowment to the benefit of mankind? If so, doesn’t that mean that when Wong-Chu comes to take over a South Vietnamese village, America would be irresponsible not to vanquish him with a souped-up transistor? In that vein, Iron Man’s adversaries were fiends like the Red Barbarian, a Soviet general and spymaster who lived up to his nickname by bludgeoning his doltish subordinates with a ham hock.

But before long, the lessons of Vietnam sunk in on the comics juggernaut. Perhaps the idea that all the United States had to do was build bigger gadgets of disaster to use on a complicated world was hopelessly flawed. Perhaps Iron Man was symptomatic of the rot. Perhaps, by holding up a mirror to U.S. policies, Iron Man could become a vehicle for cleansing the country of its Cold War hang-ups. Marvel set to work reworking the character and its themes.

A problem confronted the company, though. Iron Man is a superhero. Cold-War product or not, Marvel couldn’t very well turn him into a villain. Writers in the 1970s and 1980s solved the problem in two creative ways. First, the comic adopted the New Left’s structural critique of Vietnam — the war was the inevitable product of a systemic belief in unrestricted capitalism, American exceptionalism, and racism — by making Stark Industries an enemy of poor Tony Stark, who had unleashed malevolent forces he couldn’t control. Thus Iron Man’s nemesis became a black-mirror version of himself: the ruthless metal juggernaut (another metal-suit weapon) subtly named Iron Monger, controlled by rival defense-industry bloodsucker Obadiah Stane. More cleverly, Stark’s best friend Jim Rhodes became a second Iron Man — but one sent into a paranoid frenzy of destruction by the armor’s inability to interface properly with his brain. Rhodes’s secret identity? War Machine.

There’s more and it’s well worth reading. For me, Iron Man’s anti-imperialism was a bug, not a feature. But that doesn’t make Ackerman’s piece any less perceptive.

The Flyers were eliminated from the Stanley Cup playoffs over the weekend. Why is this news?

Because it marks the end of the 100th consecutive sports season in Philadelphia without a championship. That’s right: 100 seasons of futility.

Here’s the thing–there’s no end in sight.

We hate because we hurt.

I’m assuming this is old news so let’s just consider this a self-revelation: With the return of Indiana Jones in theaters, the trilogy has been on television since last week and inevitably I’ll tune in and end up watching most of it until the credits. But over the weekend it finally occurred to me: It is at best unclear that Indiana Jones has actually saved the world from the forces of darkness. If anything, the archaeologist has brought evildoers closer to their objective than they would’ve been had he not joined the adventure.

In Raiders of the Lost Ark, the Nazis were digging in the wrong place. It is Jones who actually excavates the Well of Souls and hands the Ark over to the Germans. And despite Jones’s heroic pursuit of the Ark while on horseback, the prize is ultimately returned to the Germans when they board the ship. But even if Belloq did ultimately find the Well of Souls and the Ark, it would have remained on that Mediterranean island, having wiped out all present (who didn’t close their eyes). Even better, had Dietrich insisted they return the Ark immediately to Berlin to be opened for the first time, it would have been Hitler’s face melted off (or exploded).

In the Temple of Doom, Indiana does save a village and, one assumes, the world from the spread of the Thuggee cult. The bad guys did have possession of the stones and were able to successfully tear into men’s chests to pull out their hearts. As Jones and Mola Ram struggle on the bridge, Jones says to Mola Ram that he “betrayed Shiva” just as the Hot Rocks start to ignite in the high priest’s hand. In this case, Indiana Jones makes a difference by uttering in Sanskrit, apparently, the magic words.

Finally, in The Last Crusade, the Nazis cannot get their hands on the Holy Grail without the diary, which Jones brings to them in the castle (with the noble intention of rescuing his father). And even when the expedition arrives at the site, no one can actually retrieve the grail without getting beheaded. Jones again leads the way. But there is no bringing back the cup past the seal anyway.

This is not to say the movies are not enjoyable. Far from it. Raiders still remains in my top ten. But it will be interesting to see if this latest film follows a similar path. Does Indiana Jones inadvertently connect the Russians with the crystal skull before its powers destroy all those with bad intentions? Or does he actually make a difference? Variety‘s Todd McCarthy gives the movie a mostly positive review (particularly the first 20 minutes) and only hints at an extraterrestrial ending. With Lucas onboard, I imagine Indiana Jones will be spirited away in a flying saucer, surrounded by furry creatures from the Far Moon of Endor.

(And speaking of Belloq, have you seen the actor Paul Freeman, looking older and wiser, in the new Travelers Insurance ad?)

Just drink it in.

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8yDgkvWh3JQ&hl=en]