Surely this Rupert Everett essay on “My Life with Sharon” has to parody. Don’t you think?

She ignored me. “The first time was on the film Casino.” Now she was speaking so softly that I could hardly hear and had to crane forward.

Always speak as quietly as possible. It draws the listener in and makes you look riveting as well as beautiful to the onlooking fans.

Because, make no mistake: Sharon’s career was a 24/7 affair. She didn’t have to be on a sound stage to be filming. The world was her camera and her alarm clock was the clapperboard.

It was legendary stuff and I adored it. “Marty left the mad scene for last,” she continued. “You remember, when my character has that total meltdown?” “How could I forget? It was brilliant,” I replied, thinking back to Martin Scorsese’s mobster film.

“Well, she came inside me while I was in the trailer before the scene.” I giggled awkwardly. Sharon gave me a withering glare. “I was, like, completely possessed. She was right there. I was her. Bobby could tell straightaway. He said to Marty, “How much film do you have?” And Marty said, “We got a full mag!”

“So just keep rolling,” Bobby told him. “Trust me.” He knew. Bobby knew. “And when Marty said “Action”, I blacked out. I have no recollection. She took over. At the end of the scene I was on the ground. I couldn’t move and Marty said: “Don’t touch her. Leave her for a few minutes.” . . .

“There was a pinkish mist over me” Sharon continued. “Everyone saw it. And it’s happened again on this film. This could be the last time we speak, you and I.”

And all of that is without Everett’s suggestion that the sex he had with Stone on camera was not, shall we say, simulated.

But that’s not what suggests the parody. It’s this too perfect exchange:

“You know what I say when I’m f*** ing a guy?” said Sharon.

“I say, stop. Look at me.” I looked at her. “Now. Talk to me.” “Talk to you?” I asked, incredulous. “Communicate,” she said. “What? While we’re – “. “And now… go in and out real slow.” “Oh my God, now I know why I’m gay.” . . .

“I can turn a gay man straight in five minutes!” “Two bells!” shouted an assistant. Our lips were nearly touching. Our groins locked.

“How long does it take you to turn a straight man gay?” I whispered. . . .

“About ten seconds in some cases,” murmured Sharon.

You know how SI offers those special commemmorative DVDs after championships–“Relive the Buckeyes’ glorious championship run!”–well how about this XL Super Bowl Opus. I’m not sure exactly what it is–it comes with 400,000 written words about the Super Bowl.

But it costs $4,000.

The MVP edition is $40,000.

Rich people scare me.

Losing equals death. That’s the subtext of playing the final tournament of your career. Even if you have a life outside of the sport–a good marriage, a family, other goals–when you have been a professional athlete for more than half of your existence, retirement is the death of the only life you’ve ever known as a man.

Twice this week, Andre Agassi stared down death. Faced with a punishing draw at the U.S. Open, Agassi saw Adrei Pavel in the first round. Agassi lost the first set and endured a set point in the second. Pavel is no joke. He’s a journeyman, a quality player with a well-rounded game. There would have been no shame in losing a tightly-contested match to him. It would have been a good death. Agassi fought back, winning in four sets. It took over three hours.

Last night, Agassi faced Marcos Baghdatis, a 21-year-old tiger, seeded 8th, runner-up at this year’s Australian Open and semi-finalist at Wimbledon. Much has been made about how cruel Agassi’s draw is, and it’s true–he has a rough road. But imagine how dispirited Baghdatis was about his draw? I’m in the #8 seed and in the in second round I get Andre freakin’ Agassi?

Agassi won the first two sets in workman-like fashion. He had Baghdatis on the ropes in the third, but lost a critical break and dropped the set. Agassi began the fourth like a ripsaw, going up 4-0. Baghdatis was lost. But then, on two improbable points, where Baghdatis fought off overheads from 15 feet behind the baseline, he found himself. He evened the match at 7-5 and broke Agassi to start the fifth.

It would have been a good death. Baghdatis is a wonderful player. Agassi had given everything he had. They had gone the distance. But for Agassi, nothing is ever easy. Not winning; not losing. He broke back. They traded service games; Baghdatis holding easily, Agassi struggling for every point. And then, midway through the deciding set, Baghdatis’s quadriceps cramped up.

I believe in divine intervention in sports. But not in the Michael Chang I-love-Jesus-so-God-let-me-beat-you way. After Game 6 of the 2004 ALCS, Curt Schilling explained that he had prayed a great deal. He did not ask God to deliver him a victory–he simply asked that God help him do good. That’s all any of us can ask. That we be given what we need; that we be helped to do our best; and let the chips fall where they may.

Agassi needed a lifeline. He got it. Nearly three hours in, the cramps slowed Baghdatis enough for Agassi to come back to life. And Baghdatis, to his eternal credit, found the strength to come back, to hold serve when he could barely stand. By the 12th game, both men were whole and able to give their best. And in the 188th minute, Agassi broke Baghdatis to win the match, to stave off retirement, to live for one more day. This was a match for the ages.

It’s impossible to say how far this train goes. Certainly not to the end of the line, certainly not to Nadal or Federer. Agassi could barely walk to center court to take his bow last night. But however it ends, we have these two matches to remember him by. Even if he loses to young Benjamin Becker in straight sets, Agassi has now given himself a good–a very, very good–parting.

It’s all any of us can ask for.

Note: If you’re not in love with Marco Baghdatis after last night, there’s something wrong with you. Here’s hoping he wins five majors before he’s done.

Update: James Blake, who was on the other side of the net in Agassi’s quarterfinal masterpiece last year, showed up at Arthur Ashe today wearing Agassi’s duds from 1991 (or’92)–the Nike polo top with the hot pink rectangles. This sort of respect and adulation is heartwarming. It reminds me of Gustavo Kuerten at the trophy ceremony after winning the 1997 French Open. When he saw that it was Bjorn Borg doing the presenting, Kuerten dropped to his knees and did the Wayne’s World “I’m not worthy” bow.

It’s great to see that sort of appreciation from the kids.

Courtesy of Galley Brother B.J.: Check out this clip and watch the top right-hand corner at the 0:16 mark. The kicker’s pursuing the play, presumably to try one of the patented kicker crappy dive/chop block tackles. Then, he sees a bunch of blockers coming at him.

So he turns and runs away.

Fug Girl Heather listens into a Simpson family meeting. Very funny:

ASHLEE SIMPSON: You guys NEVER thought this would happen! DID YOU? NO! You NEVER thought I would be the hot one! AT LAST! THE STICKS OF BUTTER I HAVE BEEN WHIPPING INTO HER NUTRA SLIM SHAKES ARE WORKING! I HAVE FINALLY DEFEATED HER MAGIC METABOLISM! SURE, IT’S ONLY LIKE FIVE POUNDS, BUT I WILL TAKE IT! THANK YOU GOD! MY BLOOD SACRIFICE IS IMMINENT!

JESSICA SIMPSON: (holds up sign reading: “It’s just three pounds, but even if it were 35, I’d still be hotter than you, you tragic little desperado.”)

This is starting to get overly technical, but you’ll get the gist:

Optical drive manufacturers have indicated that yield rates for blue laser diodes have been much behind demand. This shortage has forced Sony to suspend its blue laser shipments so that they can be used in the supposed 4 million PS3s being produced this year. . . .

Apparently the manufacturers of blue laser diodes, which are needed for both the Blu-ray and HD DVD optical drives, have not had much success in improving their yield rates. . . .

This puts Sony in particular in quite a bind. Sony has obviously invested quite a bit in the Blu-ray format and the company would very much like consumers to pick up a Blu-ray player and not an HD DVD player or the HD DVD peripheral for Microsoft’s Xbox 360. In order to make sure that the Blu-ray enabled PlayStation 3 does not run into any further problems, Sony has actually suspended shipments of blue laser diodes to other customers so that the components can be used for PS3 manufacturing first.

I’m sure that last part is going to go over well.

Last week, the Collegiate Licensing Company published its list of schools whose logos sold the most merchandise. For five years, the University of North Carolina was the most popular. But now, UT-Austin is on top, followed by Michigan, Notre Dame, Georgia, and UNC. No other demographic breakdown is provided so there’s no telling what sells where, though I haven’t seen too many Texas shirts around here. Of note is George Mason jumping on the list at 73, no doubt benefiting from its tourney run, and Boise State (49) edging out the likes of Georgetown (54), BC (56), and Villanova (58). To see how well your school did, click on the above link.

Galley Friend and Cowboy Super Fan L.B. sends in this hopeful prediction:

Looking at their schedule, they should get off to a hot start. Four of their first 6 games are out of the division and against *bad* teams–Houston, San Fran, Green Bay, and New Orleans–and the two division games (Giants, Dallas) are at home.

They should be at least 4-2 after that stretch, maybe 5-1. Problem is, their finish is brutal. Starting in late November, their last 6 games are: @Indianapolis; Carolina; and then three straight division games on the road–@Skins, @Giants, @Cowboys–before finishing w/Atlanta at home. I think they’d be happy finishing that stretch 3-3. So if they can manage to win 2 or 3 of those middle 4 games in their schedule (@Tampa, Jacksonville, Washington, Tenn) they go 9-7 or 10-6 and make the playoffs.

Looking at their roster (a very cursory look)… I like the Stallworth trade, although I think they’re lacking depth at LB and trading Simoneau might come back to haunt them. I like the deep D-line, which should be very good. I’d worry about the secondary, which took a big step back last year. Still, it should be a good defense. On offense, the concern is whether they’ll be as pass-happy as they were last year. They need a real running game….

The NFC East should be fun to watch this year–Eagles, Giants, and Cowboys should all be good. I think the Redskins are overrated (see the shellacking their first unit got at the hands of the Patriots last week), and I plan to enjoy watching them not only perform below expectations this year, but be sentenced to salary-cap and no-draft-choices-left hell in the years to come.

That sounds overly-optimistic to me, but I’m a homer.