How lame is ESPN? This morning on SportsCenter they ran a long segment on the skills contest at the WNBA all-star game. Which, of course, aired last night on the ESPN family of networks.

If it’s part of the Disney universe, it must be sports.

There is nothing funny about having your identity stolen. Over the last three years, some 28 million Americans have been victims of identity theft. The thing is, the term now used to describe this con is called “i-jacking.” And, as a result, banner ads for safety measures such as Identity Guard Fraud Protection end up like this:

STOP iJACKING!
(Get Identity Fraud Protection)

So save your money and save yourself. From going blind.

Galley Brother B.J. sends along this outstanding parody of an interview with Brian Griese, the quarterback who Allan Barra once claimed was better than Elway:

Drew: My buddy banged your ex-girlfriend. Were you aware of that?
Griese: No.

Drew: Apparently, she was a cheerleader at Florida State. My friend said that, for a Jewish guy like him, nailing an FSU cheerleader was a triumph on par with Arafat’s death. Would you agree with that statement?
Griese: No.

Drew: The Bears had an outstanding regular season last year but lost their first playoff game to Carolina. How much blame do you personally take for that loss?
Griese: I played in Tampa last year.

Drew: So you acknowledge that you weren’t there for your team?
Griese: They weren’t my team.

Drew: I see this is a touchy subject, so I’ll move on. You played with Chris Simms. Is it true that when Chris Simms was a child, he made his dad hire a black man to be his toy for a week?
Griese: No.

Drew: They made a movie of it, you know. Starring Richard Pryor. Remember that?
Griese: That wasn’t Chris.

Drew: Brian Urlacher, your new teammate, dated Paris Hilton. You’ve seen Brian’s penis in the shower. Just how ravaged is it?

It goes on from there. Enjoy.

The Great Zidane was obviously provoked and the British press is on the trail to find out exactly what was said to him:

The Times enlisted the help of an expert lip reader, Jessica Rees, to determine the precise nature of the dialogue that caused Zidane to react in such a manner.

After an exhaustive study of the match video, and with the help of an Italian translator, Rees claimed that Materazzi called Zidane “the son of a terrorist whore” before adding “so just f*** off” for good measure, supporting the natural assumption that the Frenchman must have been grievously insulted.

As the son of two Algerian immigrants, the 34-year-old is proud of his North African roots, dedicating France’s 1998 World Cup win to “all Algerians who are proud of their flag and all those who have made sacrifices for their family but who have never abandoned their own culture”, so such a slur would certainly explain, if not justify, his violent response.

I suspected this would make it out into the open eventually. Bonus: Allyson Hannigan was not originally cast as Willow.

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j1i_l0OeeMc]

I’m not soccer expert, but that French fellow Zidane was the only guy I saw during the last month at the World Cup who carried himself like the American ideal of a warrior-athlete. The head-butt was really the highpoint of the World Cup. I never thought there would be any set of circumstances that would lead me to pull for the French.

Update: So very, very hot. The BBC is reporting that the Italian guy who crumpled like a rag doll may have said something about Zidane’s mother to provoke him. More to follow, I’m sure.

So the Russian president comes up to you, lifts up your shirt, and kisses your tummy. How do you react to that? Five-year-old Nikita Konkin was understandably stunned–as were the attendant media–when Vladimir Putin did just that. Explained Putin, “I tell you honestly, I just wanted to touch him like a kitten and that desire of mine ended in that act.”

These Russians can be so impulsive. Remember Ivana Humpalot?

You are hairy … like animal!

In light of North Korea’s recent missile launches, it might be helpful to gain a better understanding of the DPRK’s entire arsenal. The Asia Times provides just that. The list of deadly weapons includes:

Nodong 1
Rodong 1
Taepodong 1
Daepodong 1
Nodong 2
Rodong 2
Taepodong 2
Ding Dong
Dong Kee Kong
Long Duc Dong, aka “The Donger”
Long Dong (a long-range missile)
Long Dong Silver (longer and sturdier)

Yes, I know, this is no laughing matter. (And the link really is helpful!)