Maybe it was the trailer, or Ain’t It Cool News calling it “the scariest American movie in a decade,” or the Post‘s “Family Filmgoer” column warning that the movie contains “Grossly violent scenes that show or imply the hacking off or slashing of body parts; evisceration of corpses; arms, legs shoved into furnace; gun violence; explicit sexual situations; nudity; profanity; drugs; drinking, smoking” (yes, smoking!). Either way, I knew I just had to see Hostel. How bad could it be?

Now I’ve seen my share of horror flicks and read through a couple issues of Fangoria. I remember as a kid being horrified by the “accidents” occurring in The Omen II (the boy trapped beneath the ice, the woman who got her eye gouged out by a crow and then ran smack into a truck). Thanks to cable, I am now totally desensitized. But still, I wondered, could this new movie, which has now grossed more than $36 million in two weeks, get the better of me?

The answer is, alas, sort of. Here is what I learned: Beware of Eastern Europe. And be especially careful when traveling to Slovakia, a terrible and evil kingdom of darkness. For in the countryside there is a hostel where beautiful women lure you with sex, drugs, and drinks (and smoking!), and suddenly you wake up not in the loving arms of Natasha but hooded and handcuffed to a bolted-down chair in a dank cellar. And some man has paid good money to torture you in the worst possible ways.

You’re led to believe one of the backpackers is the main character and so, when he finds himself strapped down, you keep telling yourself it’ll be okay, he’ll live. He doesn’t.

Are there scenes I would consider unnerving? Yes. (Squeamish readers, please skip to the next paragraph.) One poor guy has his shoulders and knees bored into with a power drill. His Achilles’ tendons are then sliced by a scalpel. That, for my matinee money, was the most disturbing scene. And then there is the woman whose eyeball dangles out and gets it snipped, resulting in a seepage of vitreous fluid. After a while, however, it just looked like she had a Personal Pan Pizza on half her face. Now that, I told Galley friend Mike Woody, was crossing the line! (For some reason, both our wives think we’re deranged for seeing this film.)

“There’s not much of a plot, is there?” asked Mike. I told him I disagreed. The plot is How to Escape Hostel and Never Return to Eastern Europe.

My wife has lovely memories of Slovakia and is upset the movie takes place there. She spent a year in a sleepy town just north of Bratislava. In fact, it very much resembles the one featured in Hostel. She taught English at the local university.

Or at least that’s what she tells me…

On Saturday my sports world was shattered. First I sat through the Georgetown/UConn game hoping we’d finally get noticed. Instead we lose to the number 3 Huskies, 74-67 at the Hartford Civic Center. Yes, UConn is that good. No, I doubt anyone ever makes fun of Rudy Gay’s last name. To his face. It’s a tough sched for the Hoyas, meanwhile, who got “Pittsnoggled” by West Virginia last week and face number 1 Duke this Saturday. Let’s hope that RPI improves.

Later that Saturday afternoon, the Washington Redskins finally ended their remarkable season, losing to the unremarkable Seattle Seahawks. It was a great run for the Hogs and it would have been even better had the team not been plagued by late-season injuries, including to a rather sluggish Mark Brunell. (But will Gibbs go with a 37-year-old QB next year?) And will we have Patrick Ramsey to fall back on (unlikely)? Perhaps Jason Campbell will be ready to step up? And what of the ongoing drama series known as LaVar? A great many questions to be answered in the offseason.

Having slumped into this sports depression, I thought of no better time to see a horror flick called Hostel. How bad could it be?

Because it is nearing dinner, I’ll save my review until later.

If you’ve been wondering Where In The World Is Jonathan V. Last, I recommend you read the Philadelphia Inquirer once a week, where, in the Currents section, you will find his excellent columns (this first one is on the sham of “urban renewal” in Camden, his beloved birthplace). Editorial page editor Chris Satullo even gives him a warm welcome. Mr. Last remains the online editor of The Weekly Standard and so, thankfully–and invoking the spirit of Gene Shalit–we won’t be seeing the Last of him.

Is it just me or does Bush have the hots for die Kanzlerin? Not that he’s to blame. I, too, saw Angela Merkel this afternoon at the rededication of the German Marshall Fund’s offices in DC. She stood some eight feet away from me and, in all honesty, seemed downright charming. And picture to my left notwithstanding, Frau Merkel has a winning smile and eyes that almost twinkle. And her English, spoken with that accent, reminded me of something out of Cabaret. Yes, I am in love.

But one issue that seemed to be shunted aside was a recent story in the Süddeutsche Zeitung, which reported that in April 2003, German intelligence agents were actually on the ground in Iraq despite former Chancellor Gerhard Schröder’s protestations against the war. These agents apparently called in coordinates for the U.S. bombardment of sites believed to shelter Saddam Hussein. Remember all those times we thought we knocked him out but didn’t? It seems these agents of the BND (Bundesnachrichtendienst) were involved.

This, of course, has some Germans up in arms and demanding an investigation. Part of their outrage stems from having been an unwitting part of the war effort, the other part comes from the fact that these tip-offs led to civilian deaths. But as one former member of the U.S. intel community tells me, the BND agents were worthless and may even have “doubled.” (I’m doubtful that last part will ever be proven.)

Nevertheless I asked a German newspaper correspondent if he was proud to be part of this Coalition of the Secretly Willing. He replied, “I would’ve but we missed.”

In January 2007, the European Union will roll out its first two integrated battlegroups in Brussels. One of the groups will supposedly be comprised of Germans, Dutch, and Finns. The other will be French and Belgian. E.U. officials still aren’t quite sure how to use these forces (humanitarian efforts in Africa are likely) but no doubt both sides will participate in wargames.

Is there really any argument over which side would win? (Don’t forget how well the Finns fought against the Red Army.)

Last night, apparently, the People’s Choice Awards were aired on CBS. I used to think the PCA was a reliable gauge of American popular tastes–I have a photo on my bulletin board of presenter Drew Barrymore hugging PCA winner Mr. T in 1984. (There was no man more deserving than he!) But frankly, I’m not sure what to make of some of yesterday’s winners:

Favorite Female Movie Star: Sandra Bullock (Was she even in a movie last year?)

Favorite Movie: Star Wars: Episode III, which beat out Hitch and Batman Begins.

Favorite Movie Drama: Star Wars: Episode III, which beat out Coach Carter and Batman Begins.

Favorite Male Action Star: Matthew McConaughey, who was also recently named People magazine’s Sexiest Man Alive.

Favorite Song From a Movie: “These Boots Are Made For Walkin'” by Jessica Simpson from The Dukes of Hazzard (I’m sure the video was great.)

With Germany’s chancellor Angela Merkel set to arrive in Washington tomorrow, the city is already teeming with Germans. I met with a few this evening and, joking aside, a situation has developed that is looking ever more grim. The one thing on everyone’s minds is Iran. Now that the country has gone ahead with its nuclear program despite the warnings of the so-called EU-3, what happens next? And not only what happens next, but what do they make of a story in the London Guardian detailing Iran’s attempts to assemble a medium-range ballistic missile?

As one high-ranking German minister said, the missile would have a range of some 2,000 kilometers, capable of striking Munich. Another member of the new government said what would happen next is the EU-3 declaring their talks to have failed. Then a referral to the IAEA and on to the U.N. Security Council. And then?

This official said he is fully aware that “tough talk” would only go so far. So the next step would be sanctions, which Russia and China would probably be against. But on the off-chance they are persuaded and sanctions are applied, the oil market would be turned on its head and countries (especially in Europe) would be hit hard.
As for a military option, said the official, airstrikes are possible but we do not know where all the facilities are located. Iran would move its operations underground. An American noted that tens of thousands of Shiites would cross the border into Iraq and create further unrest. (Many were said to have crossed over to vote in the recent elections.)

As one American analyst said, “We’re running out of time.”

We’re only a couple weeks into 2006, but I’ll be surprised if I read a better essay this year than this beautiful, funny, sad, Mark Steyn entry on Sid Luft.

This is a perfect piece of writing. Don’t miss it.