They’re cute, they’re lovable, they’re adorable. But as this horrific story by Amy Argetsinger in the Washington Post reveals, chimpanzees can also be vicious. The story doesn’t end well. In fact, how about I cut to the chase? An excerpt from the article on what a teenage chimp ultimately did to poor St. James Davis, who remains in critical condition:

The 62-year-old man was conscious but near death. He had lost his nose, an eye, most of his fingers, both testicles and much of the flesh from his buttocks and face and left foot, but the chimp was not done with him yet.

Think about that the next time you’re at the zoo.

The Fark headline for this story:

NC pastor defends sign at church that reads: “The Koran Needs to be Flushed.” Muslims in an uproar — some even delay scheduled beheadings to voice complaints

Confirm Them notes that NARAL likes the deal and is already establishing what counts as “extraordinary circumstances.” Sayeth Nancy Keenan, president of NARAL:

[we are] heartened that the crisis has been averted and the right to filibuster preserved for upcoming Supreme Court nominations. We are confident that a Supreme Court nominee who won’t even state a position on Roe v. Wade is the kind of “extraordinary circumstance” this deal envisions.

Well, there we are. If Democratic senators agree with Keenan then we have an answer to whether this was a deal or a capitulation on the part of Senate Republicans.

Headline of the Day: Two hurt in mock light sabre duel.

The movement to embrace the Empire continues. Galley Friend B.W. sends along a link to this Orson Scott Card piece:

When the evil Palpatine says, “Good is a point of view–the Sith and the Jedi are almost the same,” we can dismiss this moral relativism as part of the deception of the dark side.

But in a pivotal scene, Obi-Wan says what amounts to the same thing: “Only a Sith deals in absolutes.”

Isn’t that odd? The only thing both sides agree on is that people who believe in absolute good and evil are bad!

I suspect that Lucas realized, after writing “Good is a point of view,” that all his friends actually believed that. So he had to make it clear that moral relativism was the right way after all—so he had Obi-Wan say that absolutism was a Sith thing, even though in the actual story, the best of the Jedis show an unbending commitment to absolute Good.

It’s a terrible thing, I suppose, for a writer to invent a religion and then discover that he and all his friends are on the wrong side of it.

Card continues:

The Jedi may claim to be in favor of democracy, but in fact they function as a ruling elite, making their decisions among themselves. They occasionally submit to the authority of the legislature, and they seem to respect the rule of law, though whose law it’s hard to say. By and large, however, they decide among themselves what they’re going to do and when it’s OK to break the law and defy the civilian authority.

They are, in fact, utterly anti-democratic, like a militia that owes nothing to civilian authority.

What sort of demented minds are at work in the marketing department at drug giant Novartis? First they came up with Digger, the Dermatophyte, who is responsible for toe nail fungus. Television viewers, however, were given the extra-special treat of watching Digger lift up a yellow toe nail and jump in to wreak all sorts of havoc. And only Lamisil can stop it. Thanks for letting us know while we eat our dinner.

But now the folks at Novartis may have topped themselves in a new ad for, ready or not, Chronic Constipation. The ad asks, “Have you been suffering from constipation lasting over 6 months with no known cause?” (If you haven’t gone in six months, I would see a doctor. Immediately.)

The only solution, it turns out, is Zelnorm. For those who have this problem, I am thrilled that help is on the way. But the ad itself features people’s bloated abdomens, with words printed on them such as “I want help” and “constipation, bloating, straining.” Those are the “before” abs. The “after” abs feature more reassuring inscriptions such as “I’m feeling better.” Congratulations, Novartis. This has got to be your crowning achievement.

The kind of sentence you would only see in the furnishings-obsessed paper of record: “Much can be learned about a manager through his sense of interior design.” The occasion? A visit with Willie Randolph, the Mets’ new manager who’s off to a good start in this, his first year.

Galley friend AG sends along the following link for yellow-fever sufferers with sleep disrders.