October 28th, 2005
The Washington Examiner ran a very important headline yesterday. “What Would Jesus Rap?” they inquired. The popular answer, I am guessing, is that He would rap about nice Christian themes, acts of selflessness and piety. That kind of thing. But there’s another possibility, that Jesus the rapper would have gone gangsta. Dropping dope rhymes and dissing his enemies, the Good Lord might have put things very differently. The Beatitudes, for example, might have come out like this:
Blessed are the meek
Lyin at my feet
In a pool of blood
You can take a peek
Blessed are the Poor
Who continue to whore
Wondering what
Heaven is for
You too will mourn
The day you were born
When you feel the edge
Of my terrible scorn
Just cause you’re hungry
Don’t mean it right
To grab my sandwich
And take a bite
Forget about Marvin
Don’t mercy me
No mercy you
Just ferocity
Blessed are the peacemakers
And my other guns
Cause you run around, gangster,
You gotta carry one
Fuck the weirdos
and their saintly acts
You want my prayers?
Don’t even ax.
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